7h73d kh8iz rnks4 a5ad6 a4a6a z8et8 enebd hnkf2 9zaib 5k75s 46f42 hnzr8 tzi22 n8a4d 3433a 5tk2i 5reae 6hyr2 s8h5z 8ft89 zz3kk Yes, it is OCD. Yes, you can fix it. |

Yes, it is OCD. Yes, you can fix it.

2022.01.17 00:46 rj_throwaway_1111 Yes, it is OCD. Yes, you can fix it.

TL;DR: I have suffered from RJ for years. After finally researching, learning and practicing techniques to deal with it, I'm on the road to recovery. And in this journey I've realised that (for me anyway) it is unambiguously a form of "pure o" (obsessive) OCD. If you treat it like OCD, it will improve. I promise.

Background (for context I guess)
In my first relationship, I found out my partner was dating someone else at the time we got together, and it crushed me. I felt ashamed, played and jealous. After trying to make it work, I broke it off, but the feelings somehow still lingered for a long time, into the relationship that followed. I felt this daily malaise and awful lingering anxiety, as well as huge HUGE spikes of anxiety whenever I saw my ex or anything remotely associated (talk of cheating, shows we watched together - you know the drill, classic triggers). I tried to deal with this anxiety, but it felt... omnipresent. I'd wake up, everything's clear, then as my brain turned on that same awful feeling in my heart kicked up. Sometimes I'd feel okay, but then a trigger... and boom, back to square one. I chalked this up to heartbreak, low self-esteem, anxiety, but somehow in all my research on anxiety disorders nothing quite clicked. Nothing captured that feeling of hollowness, of being emotionally stunted, of feeling somehow at war with my brain and so down ALL THE TIME.
My second relationship ended. I was frankly a bit of a ghost in it, emotionally not all there. Then I started a new one (which I'm in now), with someone I really really liked. Everything was great and we were clicking and chatting all the time! Maybe... maybe my "heartbreak" would lift? Then one day we started talking about exes and past experience, and POW. A HUGE wave of anxiety. My heart was pounding, my head was racing. Ooh they'd had a threeway - that set me off for a week. I just kept fixating over and over and over and over, each new little detail stabbing me. Over time, I'd get used to one thing - yeah okay, they'd had a threeway, kinda sexy! But then I'd move onto something new - they had sex in a stadium, I hadn't... now I feel bad. They really loved their ex before me - I pictured that and my heart was in agony. This is when I finally realised something was very very wrong. Why was I so stressed by this? After all, I'D dated before, why did I care about this? How come this "heartbreak" and "anxiety" had now latched onto this new relationship? Why did it suddenly feel so white hot? In a low, I came across the term "retroactive jealousy" and it genuinely turned my life around.

Realising how bad I really was
Right after the start of my third relationship, a friend of mine started dating a girl. My friend had never been in a relationship, and this girl talked about hookups and exes all the time with extreme bluntness. Hell, right? My friend... was unaffected. Literally didn't care. I couldn't believe it. At the same time, through google, I came across this subreddit and learned all about RJ, and over the next months, I distilled some iron clad truths that I still struggle to fully believe:
- It literally doesn't matter what your experience is
- "Normal" people do not care about exes the way I do
- Even if something did upset me, the fact that it would affect me SO MUCH was a sign of something properly wrong
This last one in particular, heed it well. Even if you're paranoid you're just being "toxic" or insecure, you SHOULD NOT feel so awful over your partner's past. It IS a problem that you're feeling like this. You deserve to feel better!

Realising that this was OCD
This subreddit curiously described RJ as a form of OCD. I can honestly say I scoffed at first - no WAY did I have that, that's... uhhhh... crazy! Right? Crazy? But then some things began to ring true in eerie ways. When I thought about my partner's exes, I absolutely couldn't stop. I felt a surge of anxiety and HAD to stop it, so I would ponder and ponder and ponder. I read about people who felt like ghosts, like their brain was attacking them, like they couldn't love. Holy shit. Holy SHIT. It suddenly snapped into focus. That feeling of "heartbreak" I'd had for years - that was my brain ruminating constantly, even subconsciously. THAT's why I felt like a ghost: at all times, I was a little bit out of it, stuck inside the agony of private thought spirals. It's embarrassing to say now, but looking back I realised I really would think about exes and cheating and resentment ALL DAY and not even notice.
Here is the bottom line: your partner's exes are an "obsession" and your desire to ruminate about them is a "compulsion". Don't believe me? Next time you get triggered, just stop! Most people can. Next time you picture their ex? Don't let it bother you! ... Pretty impossible right? This is NOT NORMAL THINKING. I would highly recommend pureo and ROCD for help there, even the support made me feel better.
At this point, you may be wondering - but... but isn't this "fake" OCD? Aren't I just insecure? I don't have like a... a... chemical imbalance. In all other respects I'm normal! OCD is not a virus. You don't catch it, you develop it. It can start off with normal thinking about an insecurity. But then you keep returning to it... and again... and again... and again. In doing so, you build connections in the brain that become obsessive. Thought processes are like roads, and by retreading them you turn dusty tracks into multi-lane highways. There is no "fake" OCD, this obsessiveness is just as real, just as treatable, and just as not your fault!

So, what did I do?
Disclaimer: I am not out of the woods yet. Not at all. But after ~2 months, I am so much better than I ever thought possible. In the past, I would have week-long spirals and feel anxious as a default. Now, my spirals are rarer and last a day at most. I also feel flat (but content!) as a default! Genuinely it's amazing to see my brain turn around, sometimes I want to cry!
Here are the steps I've followed so far:
- When I get an intrusive thought/anxiety spike, I DO NOTHING. I do not rationalise, do not justify, do not ruminate, do not distract, NOTHING. I sit in the feeling and try and simply be aware of it. I warn you, this sucks so much. But eventually, the anxiety just disappears. I won't go into the details, you'll find them elsewhere, but I promise this is essential and helpful
- Daily mindfulness. This helps me to simply observe thoughts, not to judge and fear them. It's my reactions and spirals that actually create the anxiety, so by being non-judgemental I free myself from pain. 10-20 minutes a day is fine, focus on just letting thoughts flow through you.
- Therapy. Speaks for itself. The help from a professional is invaluable, you just need someone to talk to and give an outside perspective.
- Exposure therapy. This is my next step - expose myself to triggers, flood my brain, and show it that there is just nothing to fear
- Find your core fear. This last one is somewhat new on this subreddit, so I'll give a bit more depth. OCD works by taking a pearl of insecurity, a core fear, and building spirals around it. For me, the core fear is inferiority. In other words, when I hear my partner loved their ex, the real chain of fear is: they loved him --> they have felt this all before --> I haven't had as strong love before --> I'm a little baby, so inexperienced and pathetic --> I'm at a disadvantage because I'm "green" and naive --> I am "lesser" than my partner. Obviously, this is absurd. But exposing your fear, dealing with, and not running from it - that's the ultimate challenge. Rip out the core of the OCD and it will be running on fumes. I'm still working on that, but I know I can do it.

Conclusions
The real secret to beating RJ is giving up on the prospect of "winning". In the anxious spiral, the jealous spiral, we feel hurt and angry and ashamed. All the more so because our partner seems better than us, of course THEY feel fine, they've lived/dated/loved so much harder and better. So we want to beat them! To feel equal! To feel okay! This you must unlearn. The only way through is to stop caring. Most people are happy not because they have exactly equal dating experience to their partner, but because it doesn't matter! And guess what? When you stop caring, you'll no longer need to be winning! This is the cycle we aim for It will take a long time to get there, but I hope my story helps even one person deal with this. Before I go, I'll drop some fantastic articles by Dr. Michael J Greenberg which started me on my way. Good luck to you!!
https://drmichaeljgreenberg.com/how-to-stop-ruminating/
submitted by rj_throwaway_1111 to retroactivejealousy [link] [comments]


2022.01.17 00:46 roughravenrider How to Envision a FWD Future, social media makes it very difficult

Happy Sunday Forwardists! It's a common idea that as a part of a movement like Forward, it helps a lot to be able to envision the future where you succeed and then work towards that.
I think it's important for us to remember that the FWD movement is one that will take years or decades, it's unlikely that the party will have a significant, immediate impact in say, 2024 or 2028.
The more immediate effects that Forward will be able to push are (1) easing the effect of polarization and (2) empowering fellow third parties to challenge the corrupt two-party machine. Established third parties have infrastructure in place that, with some effort, could reasonably be shifted into high gear in states that pass ranked-choice voting and non-partisan open primaries.
Over 80% of elected officials in DC represent "safe seats" that are all but guaranteed to vote for one party's candidate. In areas that pass the voting reforms above, this 80%+ of representatives whose incentives are to remain frozen in time and prevent any kind of change will suddenly be opened to up to challengers that would push them towards reform.
In 2022, the only real challenge that these representatives face is from a more loyal partisan in their closed party primary, since a general election between the two parties is virtually guaranteed to go one way. After RCV and open primaries, these representatives would face up to four challengers. Challengers would succeed in this system by appealing to 51% of voters, not a minority of loyal partisans.
They would also face third party candidates who are now able to compete to win, rather than just acting as a spoiler. Libertarian and Green Party candidates suddenly become real challenges to one-party rule, and at the very least, elected representatives will be pushed towards the center as they would have to appease the 51% majority rather than the 20% loyal partisans.
Lastly, social media is actively hurting our chances at reform. A lot of political discourse on social media is run by foreign bots attempting to subvert our confidence in our system, as discovered by Tristan Harris who created the recent documentary The Social Dilemma. Which then pushes Americans to believe that their fellow citizens are so far to one extreme or the other that there is just no hope for reform.
That's a lie. Your fellow Americans are just as concerned for democracy as you are, and nobody is evil for disagreeing on how to approach that.
The single best thing that you can do is to never lose sight of hope. Nothing is set in stone, and the American people right now are crying out for change. According to Gallup, 62% of Americans want a third party option.
The demand for change and an end to partisan gridlock is right there in our faces, so don't lose sight of hope that this movement can succeed. The American people want a third party movement to succeed, they just need someone to prove that it can happen, because our system is designed to disenfranchise third parties at every turn.
Humanity First!
submitted by roughravenrider to ForwardPartyUSA [link] [comments]


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